


Kanye Northwest

by Kennaye



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Music, Silly, non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-15 12:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3446795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kennaye/pseuds/Kennaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper meets Pacifica's extended family at her family's big shindig, and they solve ghost mysteries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kanye Northwest

Dipper was not happy when Pacifica came knocking at his door demanding he help her. He found her to be the worst being in Gravity Falls - and that was after the entire "Bill Cipher" fiasco. The fact that she was so pretty, talented, rich, successful...appealing. He shook his head to regain his train of thought. Seriously, screw Pacifica. Dipper had better things to do with his night, like watch TV or think about the hair growing in weird places.

However, for every ounce of hate that he had for Pacifica(it started to pile up into tons to be honest), he had twice as much love for his sister. Granted it wasn't in the horribly wrong and perverse pinecest way - no it was in the brotherly affection sort of way. Dipper would stick his neck out for his sister, and if he had to get rid of what he assumed to be a scale one ghost, well then so be it.

Skimming back over the journal entry on ghosts once more, Dipper checked himself out in the mirror and straightened his hat. He smiled and winked at himself, damn was he good at what he did. Despite the fact he hated Pacifica, the fact that he was known as a paranormal expert helped stroke his fragile preteen ego. It felt good, knowing he'd made an impact. He knew he'd make one again tonight.

Walking out with the girls, all in their extravagant dresses(which had been made while he was upstairs, which was weirdly awesome), Dipper seated himself farthest away from Pacifica in the limo. Not letting their eyes meet, he stared absent-mindedly out the window before he was awoken by the limo halting. They had arrived in good time - leave it to time to fly when you're having 'fun'.

The Mansion was certainly astounding - Dipper couldn't lie about that. The decorations were amazing, the food exquisite. Though Pacifica's parents did make him put on a suit...he still found the overall party atmosphere to be quite alluring. Too bad he was going to vanquish a ghost instead!

Pacifica walked up to him, accompanied by a tall black fellow. The man wore dark sunglasses, and his shaved head and black jacket made him look very cool to the young impressionable Dipper. Pacifica introduced him; "This is my cousin, Kanye. He says he is an expert on ghosts."

"You've fought ghosts?" Dipper asked him. Kanye pushed his shades up and cleared his throat. Facing the young boy, he dropped some sick truth.

"Yeah." He said. "I fought ghosts. Go down to the south and the ghosts be all over a nigga's . For real for real nigga go down there and ghosts be lightin crosses 'n shit, and a nigga gotta run around and fight 'em with some sick kung fu and the judicial system. Make a nigga tired. 

"Uhm...." Dipper was at a loss for words. On one hand, this guy seemed really odd - not helpful at all. But he held himself with such swagger, such confidence. He felt like he could follow this man on to great things. He knew, in fact, that he could follow Kanye West to the ends of the Earth, probably.

"Well hey Dipper, listen. I kind of have to...go be rich and sophisticated." Pacifica started stepping away as she raddled this off. "So if you could just, take Kanye here and he'll show you to the problem room." With a kind nod to Kanye, Pacifica quickly sped off. Dipper sighed, some people never changed he supposed.

"So Kanye, let's get to it!" Dipper waited for Kanye to start moving, but Kanye instead looked him up and down.

"Nigga." Kanye said disapprovingly.

"What?" 

"Nigga you gonna wear dat?" Kanye shook his head, lord have mercy on this small fashion-less white boy.

"I mean, I planned to." Dipper nervously rubbed his feet together. He thought what he was wearing was nice. It was a very nice suit, very classy and fine. He figured that from a distance it looked like his head was in fact a giant butt.

"Nah nah nah." Kanye said, pushing Dipper toward the closet. "If you bought to roll up with me, you gonna dress like my homie G." Kanye coughed. "That sick rhyme is trademarked don't steal it. I'll sue yo' ."

* * *

Dipper came out the closet looking fresh as fuck, huge sunglasses making it so he could look at the sun for days before he felt the burn. His pants, now jeans, were drooped way past the curve of his tween butt and hung down so low he was sure Pacifica would slither up it if he wasn't careful. His shirt was an inverted picture of a lion with the smoke around it, a symbol that Kanye said stood for "young money". Dipper tugged at the gold chain around his throat. "Ugh, this thing is practically snapping my neck in half."

"Hey!" Kanye berated him. "Nigga's go their whole life widdout wanna dem chains. You'd better be respectin'." Dipper rolled his eyes. Kanye was some weird mix of narcissistic and overly sensitive man. And yet, somehow, this only added to the allure that was Kanye West.

"Just take me to the ghost." Dipper said, exasperated. He pushed the sunglasses up so they rested stylishly(and more conveniently) on his forehead.

"Here nigga, take dis before we go tho." Kanye handed him some garlic.

"Why?" Dipper was confused, but Kanye just shook his head like it was obvious.

"Damn, you one dumb mothafucka." Kanye shook the garlic in front of Dipper's face like it was obvious. "Ain't you ever fought a ghost before? They can't touch garlic, they hate dat shit."

"Do you mean vampires?" Dipper asked. Kanye furrowed his brow.

"Da fuck's a vampire?"

* * *

"Ok, Pacifica said dis here the bad room." Kanye said, leading Dipper inside. Looking around, the room appeared to be some sort of trophy room. Maybe the Northwest's were haunted by woodland critters, but who knew. Kanye whistled. "Awh sheeeit here yo' problem."

"What is it?" Dipper asked looking around him. Kanye was pointing at the wall.

"Dis wallpaper fuckin' ugly. Damn. Make me wanna die, I'd come back from the dead tho too just so I could redo this wall. Yell at my cousins; 'Repaint the damn wall! Yeezy!' 'n shit like that, ya' feelin' me though?"

"I don't want to feel you." Dipper said deadpan, taking off his chain and setting it down on the ground. Looking up above the mantle, he saw some weird looking painting. Looking away and then back, he saw that it was gone. Holy shit so spooky! "Uhhhh, Kanye I think the painting changed!"

"Got it nigga." Kanye said, throwing the garlic at the painting. It bounced off of it harmlessly. "Die ya' ghost-vampire mothafuckas!"

Suddenly, a great flame leaped out of the fireplace, nearly catching Dipper and causing Kanye to yelp with fright. Sliding under a nearby table, Dipper watched as a skeleton climbed out of the fireplace. Kanye screamed again. "Do somethin Kanye!" Dipper yelled.

"I'm on it!" He yelled back, pulling a gun out of his coat pocket. "Ya done fucked up nigga!" Kanye screamed as he pulled the trigger, a saddening  _click click click_ being the only thing to come out of it. "What the fuck-?! Awwwwh sheeeit dammit fuckin' Kardashian mothafucka's unloadin my god damned gun 'n shit. Mothafucka's thinkin' it funny. What if I was in da hood right now? Fuck-" Kanye was shut up by an Axe burying itself(but not cutting through, thank Yeezus) his arm. He screamed again.

Dipper ran out from under the table and grabbed his hand. "Come on Kanye!" Dragging him along, Kanye complained about his arm as they ran.

"Damn. Ghost nigga hit my straight in the rap arm. Now my inspiraition leakin' out. Fuck!" He whined as they came up upon an outdoor section. Dipper saw the other side was open, so they could run through it to get through. Dipper was ready to charge through. Instead, however, Kanye froze on the spot and refused to budge. "Not in my Jordan's."

"Are you serious?!" Dipper yelled. The ghost laughed hauntingly off in the distance, Dipper could tell he was closing in fast. "This will save us more time!"

"I'd rather you die then my Jordan's get dirty. Sorry nigga." Kanye shed a single tear. "It just the way of a real nigga."

"Oh my fucking god Kanye!" Dipper screamed. Kanye pulled something out of his pocket and started fidgeting with it. Turning around, Dipper saw it was a small hand mirror.

"What are you doing?" Dipper asked, the ghost appearing around the bend and spotting them.

"Gotta die fresh as fuck." Kanye said. "I mean look at ghost nigga, nigga got real fucked up. Like damn, I don't wanna be an ugly ghost. Can't even get no sweet ghost pussy. Watch, bet that nigga can't even handle it." Turning the mirror around, Kanye showed the reflective surface to the ghost. The ghost screamed, and then was sucked into the mirror; trapped.

"Oh my god, Kanye! Your vanity saved us!" Dipper cheered. Kanye just shrugged, for this was just another day in the life of Yeezy.

"My vanity had never done no nigga wrong." Kanye nodded. Dipper laughed, and everyone had a good evening.

Until Dipper fucked up the banishment of the ghost, it got free, and turned everyone into wood. That was messed up, but not a 'Kanye problem', as Kanye put it. He was long gone by then, off to save other kids and solve mystery. For Kanye do what Kanye do, all you nigga's better move. Dee end

 

 


End file.
